Deadbeat parents and entertaining distractions ...

The internet has become a huge part of my life. Much larger than I imagined it would when I got my first PC, but not exactly at the “living in virtual reality 23 hours a day” level my parents predicted. You know, the eventual downfall of the human race.

So, near the top of my browser I have a series of bookmarks for my favorite and most visited websites. From my personal blog — gotta keep one eye on that number of hits, right? — to Facebook and LifeHacker online magazine, I like to think of it as my “short list” of sites I can't necessarily live without.

One of the bookmarks on my short list is the Texas Attorney General's website, which includes a portal for parents to keep track of their child support payments and that sort of thing.

Thank goodness Google is nice enough to remember my username and password, because a crew of Al-Qaeda suicide bombers couldn't scare it from my subconscious, where it quietly resides, adjacent to all of the things my daughter has told me but I'll pretend I never heard.

Now, I'm sure for some parents this particular website is a thing of beauty, a beacon of fiscal hope shining its light into the deep, dark bowels of inequity. Unfortunately, I imagine it's the same for me as it is for most custodial parents trying to get a less-than-responsible ex to cough up their child support … an entertaining distraction.

For those of you lucky enough to have never visited the site, let me lay it out for you.

First, you enter your case ID number and password. For the record, it took nearly two months and numerous phone calls just to get the stupid thing set up, but that's a story for another day.

Once you're logged in, you're greeted by a bevy of handy information. It gives you a list of the payments which have been sent to the attorney general, including how much they were and when they were received. It also gives you a “case status,” but judging from the ambiguous nature of it, I imagine most everyone's reads the same:

“Your case is currently in the enforcement process. We use several methods to collect child support. Our office may withhold wages, unemployment insurance benefits, worker's compensation, military allotment, and other sources of periodic income. For those parents who have fallen behind in their payments we may use collection letters and calls, interception of income tax refunds, credit bureau reporting, license suspension, administrative liens and interception of lottery winnings.”

Now, if you've ever actually had to track down and try to get a parent to pay their child support, you know there's a secret code at word beneath the surface of this simple statement. What it should read is:

“Your case is hopeless, at best. We have several methods at our disposal to collect child support, but the chances we'll actually use any of them in anything that resembles an efficient manner is little to none. For those parents who have fallen behind in their payments, you can stop worrying. Worst case scenario, you might spend the night in jail. In all, if you're hoping to receive any sort of child support payment through these efforts, you had best hope the non-custodial parent plays the lottery. A lot.”

However, the most entertaining part of the site — at least in my opinion — is the “arrears” section, which is just a fancy way of saying the “deadbeat” section. This is where you get to see just how far behind your former significant other is on their child support.

I recently reached a milestone, as the non-custodial party in my case surpassed the $16,000 mark. That's right. During the past six to seven years, she has accrued $16,230.02 in back child-support. Say what you will, but the woman is incredibly consistent.

Just for the record, if I were her I'd pay the 2 cents, simply because I can't stand pennies. Seriously, she could just snag them from the “leave a penny, take a penny” thing at 7-Eleven.

I suppose the entertainment in all of this comes from having watched that number steadily grow over the years. I can remember a time when I was in absolute amazement she had reached $10,000 and hadn't so much as gotten a slap on the wrist from the courts.

However, after several court dates and the presiding judge sounding much like I imagine British police officers sound — “Pay your child support, or in three months we'll come back to this courtroom and I'll tell you to pay your child support again!” — it's hard to believe what has and hasn't happened.

Despite being placed on probation and threatened with 180 days in jail on three separate occasions, her first no-nonsense sentence from the judge was for 10 days in jail, which ended up being less than five days after she behaved herself. That's taking a hard-line stance against deadbeat parents if I've ever seen one.

So, every so often I'll log into my OAG account online to see how high the child support lotto has gotten in my case. I imagine what it would be like if I actually got a check for that amount and what kinds of improvements it could help make for my little girl, who is 13 years old now and harboring a serious case of resentment toward deadbeat parents in general.

Sometimes I like to smile and envision Miss Deadbeat buying a lottery ticket — a winning lottery ticket, mind you — and being forced by the state to pay up what she owes. Granted, I'm sure the state could find a away to screw that up, but, hey … it's a fantasy, so back off and let me dream.

Unfortunately, I'm smart enough to know that day will never come. So, for now, I'll just keep logging on to the OAG website and watching the deadbeat-deficit grow the first of each month, tipping my hat to the attorney general's office and their fantastic record keeping and impotent attempts to do their job.

You know, if the males in this state were as impotent as the Texas OAG, we'd have a lot fewer deadbeat parents. Hey, it's just a thought.