Dumb criminals...

With the responsibility of gathering arrests and reports on criminal activity for publication on a daily basis, I have to admit, some pretty weird stuff comes across my desk.

OK, let me back up. Some of these items seem to be weird — and, obviously, worthy of this rather tiresome disclaimer — because, for the most part, I'm only getting a very brief, face-value report on what has actually transpired.

I'll give you an example. A guy gets arrested and his name listed on the daily arrest sheet for a single charge: evading arrest or detention. Sometimes it's with a vehicle, others it's on foot (it's the foot-racers I truly feel sorry for, because I can only imagine how ticked the law enforcement officer must be about being inadvertently entered into a sprint or marathon).

Either way, this guy is headed to the can on just one charge, evading arrest or detention. By my own rationale — which is quite often flawed, mind you — if this guy had just stood still, he wouldn't have spent the next couple of days showering with a large man named Jojo.

This, my friends and neighbors, amazes — and amuses — the living daylights out of me.

I mean, what goes through this person's mind in that moment right before they choose to take off? “Hmm, I might have an outstanding traffic ticket.” Maybe they are just scared of police officers. Maybe they were abused as a child by a man or woman in a police uniform, or even a costume?

Another thing I see that makes me chuckle is local residents arrested for public intoxication. Or, more specifically, those who have been arrested on the charge repeatedly.

One Big Spring man — I'm omitting his name to protect the identity of the insanely guilty — has been arrested for public intoxication more than 80 times, with 28 of those coming just in the past year. And, believe it or not, he's running a distant second place to another Big Spring man, however, I'm sure through hard work and perseverance he can win that crown of inebriation.

Now, bear in mind, I love a good beer, or even better, a stout ale. However, the aching head and twisted stomach I normally wake up with after imbibing a bit too much of he stuff is more than enough to make me swear it off for at least a month or so.

I often wonder if this gentleman, who jailers at the Howard County Detention Center tell me is quite the cooperative type, is on a first-name basis with the police officers and deputies who regularly arrest him? Maybe he has his own cell, sort of like Otis Campbell from the Andy griffith Show, and just sort of comes and goes as he needs to.

And, for those of you who are new to alcoholic beverages, it's like my college professor once said, “Nothing good ever came from an inebriated person saying, 'I think I'll take a walk.'” Then again, that same professor was arrested for driving under the influence — that's what they call it in South Carolina, by the way — just a few weeks after my last semester ended.

Oh, the irony.

However, the crown jewel of the local lawbreakers, at least in my opinion, anyway, are the ones who get pulled over on a regular traffic violation and end up charged with about a dozen different crimes, all of them completely foreseeable.

I'll give you an example, directly from the hallowed pages of our dear Herald:

John Q. Public was arrested on charges of possession of a controlled substance, possession of marijuana – two ounces or less, driving while intoxicated – open container, driving while license suspended, expired motor vehicle registration, no valid inspection certificate, failure to maintain financial responsibility and disregarding a stop sign.

For the uninitiated, Mr. Public — aka Captain Bonehead — ran a stop sign with a law enforcement officer in sight, was pulled over and the charges began ringing up like a lottery winner with the munchies. Beep!

The part of this story that intrigues me, however, is not the arrest. Oh, I think we can all say we saw that one coming. No, it's that moment right before Mr. Public got behind the wheel of this vehicle, the one with the registration and inspection certificates out of date, with no insurance, no driver's license and a pocket full of weed and meth.

You honestly have to wonder if it ever crossed his mind, “Hey, dude … maybe this snack run isn't such a good idea.”

While I know our local law enforcement officers are entirely too professional to do so, I firmly believe they should be allowed to sit the handcuffed perp on the sidewalk and point and laugh for a minimum of a half-hour. Cruel and unusual? You decide.

These are just some of the things which break up the monotony of my daily trek to the dispatchers' office for arrest and activity reports, and thank goodness for them, each and every one.