The trouble with politicians...

Oh, these are such strange, strange times we are living in.

Watching the race for the Republican presidential nomination unfold — with our all-American boys, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul and the rest of that crazy bunch in the mix — I can't help but feel like this election is moving further into science fiction than history.

Not that the problem with politics and the presidential race is strictly a Republican problem, mind you. No, I'm afraid the Democrats are just as problematic in the big-picture scope of things, although they are being much, much quieter about it right now since their single rallying point is an incumbent president most Americans agree hasn't accomplished much, aside from catching — and killing, depending on who you ask — Osama Bin Laden.

And, just for the record, before you Dems out there throw up the Holy war banner and mission accomplished sign on Osama, let's bear in mind it was the U.S. Armed Forces who caught Bin Laden, not the presidential administration, although I wouldn't mind seeing Obama in full Navy Seal gear, night vision goggles and an MP5, sneaking through a Pakistan compound.

The thought makes me giggle, sure, but I'm pretty sure that's part of one of Dick Cheney's re-occurring nightmares.

OK, now that I've basically managed to alienate everyone, both Republicans and Democrats — because we all know everyone in the world is one or the other, right?

If you can admit it, the idea of Obama in anything other than a $2,000 suit makes you laugh, or at least smile. Why? Because he's the president of the United States and we're not accustomed to seeing him dressed in anything but nice clothing, right?

Right.

The same goes for Romney, Paul, Gingrich and the rest of the bunch. For the most part, they all dress nicely, or at least what they want their future constituents to consider plausible. It's not exactly the bling, but it will do.

In the end, it's all about image. Romney wants to project the image of a strong, wise business man. Gingrich wants to project the image of a public servant with years of experience in legislation. Obama wants desperately to project a Hawaiian with street cred and a health plan that won't bankrupt the country.

Unfortunately, what each of these politicians doesn't want you, the American voters to see, and will do anything to keep your sweet little eyes closed to is this: no matter what clothes they wear, accent they sport or birth certificate they produce, they are all completely and utterly disconnected from the people they want to represent.

I'll say it one more time for the cheap seats.

None of the candidates vying for a shot at the presidency has any clue what it's like for everyday Americans, and, because of that, in this columnist's opinion, none of them are qualified to represent us.

First of all, let's go ahead and just cut to the quick. You should not be allowed to lead something if you know nothing about it. I say that as a veteran and for my fellow veterans.

If you've never served in the military, I don't believe you should be qualified to serve as president. A much as I disagreed with George W. Bush and his politics — and mind you, he wasn't what I'd consider a real, wartime veteran, but neither am I, so I'll just keep my mouth shut on that one — at least when he sent out troops overseas, he had a clue who he was sending and what he was sending them to do.

You wouldn't go out and take, let's say, the managing editor of our newspaper — sorry, Bill, but you're going to have to serve as my example here — and put him in charge of fueling rescue helicopters tomorrow, would you? You wouldn't take the guy in charge of fueling the helicopters and force him to work at a newspaper at the drop of a hat, either.

Unfortunately, that's exactly what happens with the presidency. A man who knows nothing about the armed forces, nothing about the brotherhood and sisterhood shared by the men and women of the military making decisions that have profound and often deadly impacts on those lives. It's a travesty and it needs to stop.

If someone asked Mitt Romney how much it cost to fuel up his Escalade, I bet you he'd stare back with blank, doe eyes. However, bear in mind this guy's a sharp businessman, so if that same person asked him how much it cost to fuel up his private jet, I bet he could tell them down to a cent and then go on and on about how jet fuel prices have skyrocketed.

Why, just last week he had to scrounge through the cup holder in his private jet named “Cathy” to top off on the way back from that ski trip in Colorado. OK, so I made that one up, but you get the point.

None of them can relate to us, the everyday people — well, I officially sound like an old, obscure hippie song now — who are toiling away in anonymity, just trying to make ends meet. Our generation is slipping away into the degradation that has become reality television, Ben & Jerry's ice cream and truck stop burritos we secretly hope will kill us before we make the drive home.

Who is the face of our generation? Who can lead us into the next great era of learning and exploration? I can safely say it's none of the candidates out there now. George Carlin is dead, so there's no hope on that front.

Maybe Kevin Smith will decide to get into politics ... you know, the actor and screenwriter responsible for Jay and Silent Bob. Geez, now I'm just grasping at straws, and so are you, America. Straws and politicians. If we're all lucky, though, all we'll get is straws.